first email...

Brad,
I have felt attacked by Chris and Frank for 2 years now. SHE feels attacked???!!! No one here reported her to the state for abuse and neglect. And then she DEMANDED to be put back on the HPPA forms!!!Did you expect that I could sleep after finding out from a newspaper obituary and not Chris or you that my mother was to be buried here and that I was even denied the opportunity to send flowers to her memorial? When Frank phoned to let them know, he waited for Dick to ask, but all Dick did was hang-up. It was clear that no more information was needed. I just found out that she wrote an email to Pastor Mitch wihich stated, "You can at least tell me where she is buried!!" Her behavior has indicated that she wanted NO contact with Mitch-he is not responsible!I am more concerned about how the kids are doing, expecially Sam who is the most sensitive of them, but you didn't mention them. How sad...it's the little guy who has not been doing well, but she doesn't care to know that!

It's all in your perspective. What I see is a young woman who is totally unforgiving, unwilling to believe me, and trust me inspite of what Frank and Mother said, who has deliberately gone out of her way to hurt me as much as she can. If that were not so she would not have cut the children off from me. We never talked to the children about the situation, even when they asked. We never cut the kids off from her--if memeory serves, she hasn't made any attempts. Brad purposely kept these lines open for her to be in contact with the kids. Talk about perspective, let's have the real truth. She hasn't made contact so that she can look like the poor soul without the grandkids...tsk!tsk! The ball was in her court. Am I a totally unforgiving person? NO! But do I believe her? NO! Her ability to twist things around and manipulate conversations to make herself look like the victim has totally turned me away from believing even the slightest drivel that comes from her lips! and yes, she did involve the kids and try to manipulate information out of them--just ask the kids!

I would never have done to my mother what Chris has done to me - and I never did, in spite of what my mother did to me. Perhaps Chris bears some responsibility here. I have felt judged by people, including Chris who know nothing about the history of my relationship with my mother. I have never lied to Chris but have been called a liar by her because of what Frank and MOther have said. Two people who have selective memory about what really happened. Pot calling a kettle black!That is what went on my whole life. Dad would be in drunken rage and go off on me or mom and the next morning Mom and Frank acted as if it never happened. What do you mean, Cathy, nothing happened last night.

The first 17 years of her life she never heard from Frank, but I was there and have been ever since. When you say my daughter doesn't need me - you said volumes - I read doesn't really care, which was obvious when she expected me to come care for mother 6 weeks after major back surgery, she doesn't love me, maybe never did. First off, we never knew about the surgery until after she reemed us about it. Secondly, her mother didn't need CARE, but company!

I have spent the last 2 years in therapy trying to deal with the grief. I was encouraged to tell Chris the truth but just could not, no matter how frustrated I was or hurt I was. I love her and wouldn't want her to be that devastated. Pullleeeze!!! She's been dumping her emotional baggage on me my whole life! There is very little she hasn't told me!If she thinks I have lied to her and that Frank is the poor martyr here there is probably no way we will ever have a relationship again. Her behavior did not indicate grief over loosing my mother but an attempt to hurt me further. I'm sure that sounds egocentric to you, but think about it from my perspective. I'm sure that she is grieving for mother but so am I and I was denied the closure the rest of you have had. Huh? I'm not grieving, but I am grieving? Oh, I forgot...it's all about her!

I'm not dragging you into this, you emailed me. Not only am I grieving for my mother I have been grieving for 2 years. Was I a perfect mother? NO, but then I was much better than I had. Is Chris a perfect mother? I doubt it, but she is better than I was. I spent the first year of this deeply hurt, I still am but now I am just frustrated. It's a shame we could not be there for each other - but like you have said many times she doesn't need me she has Frank.

The next move is in her court. As you said in your email, we never know and if she doesn't get around to it it may be too late. It may be too late to ever be close again. I have made arrangements for other people to see to my elder care and my burial since I will likely outlive Dick. A year ago I might have not been so frustrated. When I saw the condition mother was in the day we were there, I was horrified. Was that love? Again...huh? We tried to get her come earlier, but she refused. I guess Gramma was to look perfect dying! We tried to tell her. She just wouldn't listen. All she wanted was to put Gramma away in a skilled care facility. Gramma got to die at home! That is LOVE!

Walk in my shoes the last two years and I doubt you would feel much different. I know Chris has support there, as you said she has family - I have lost mine and I do believe Frank wanted it that way and Chris went on the attack with him - all when the money stopped coming - they didn't need me any more so why be even courteous or willing to forgive something I had no choice about. Yes, of course, but she forgets to say that she never informed Frank that she stopped payment. He recieved a notice from the PRN company three months later. Then she spends the next few months trying to find out if we still were having the nurses come out!!! What she failed to do is find out whether Gramma could get those services for free. Well, I did my work and those services were covered by the state! We didn't need her money. And by the way, she had enough money to spend a month in Europe!!!!

I have even had extensive evaluation and guess what - I'm not crazy or character disordered. Actually everything was in the normal range except the depression and grief. I'm just a mother who is grieving the loss of her family. They were amazed I was functional at all consdidering my childhood - which includes the abuse Frank dished out, but they described me as extremely high functioning. I went through career counseling because I just couldn't take the pressure of the ministry while grieving such a loss. That is why I came back to MO and to social work. I have been working with young children, addicts and borderlines and doing fine. Scary thought there! But she knows what to say and how to say it. I don't believe for one second she had a REAL evaluation! She played the same game and said the same words 20 years ago, right before BD and I got married! Oh how I remember it well..."Chris, I have all these stressors, that is why I am not responsible. Your father has done this to me!" Same tune, different players! But it is always ME who gets the final shaft! Because I withdraw from the game! Makes me look like a coward, but I know it's survival!

Cait's birthday is coming up. I will send a card with a check in it to your house. If it never gets cashed I will know Chris has intercepted it or Cait doesn't want it and that will be the end.

You won't hear from me again. I'll make sure someone is designated to call Chris when I pass on in 20 years. Catherine Talk about martyr!!!