Spacie Gracie...

My dear friend Gracie Gurl is still feeling pretty icky! Her recovery from her surgery has been slow and her family has been less than patient about her progress. If you can, say a little prayer for her...she needs some extra TLC!

Off on a road trip!

Darlin' Daughter and I are off to Carnegie-Melon and Case Western Universities for the next three days. Pictured above is the Glidden House in Cleveland, OH. A four-star hotel where we will be staying! DD is excited to see the top two schools of choice and I am excited becuase I get to get out of Dodge!

I wanna do this to the Darlin's!

Summer vacation has hit the "boring" time! Grr!

I just had to write about it!

Below are the two emails recently received by Truevalueman from my mom. I have inserted my own comments to make ME feel better. I know I owe no explainations to anyone, but it helps me deal with the anger I am feeling. Truevalueman continues to dig himself into a hole. I told him last night that if he is foing this for me, this is NOT what I want. I do not care to continue a relationship with a twisted and manipulative human being. I don't have the energy to keep going on that route. We will see where he goes with that being stated. I think he is dealing with some heavy-duty anger and he rationalizes that he is doing it for me.

the second email

I did not see this e-mail before the other. Chris has most certainly taken sides, she has called me a liar. Actually, this is an exaggeration...She and Frank had a different view of a certain childhood situation. I can't even remember what, but I simply told her that was not the same story told to me by Frank and Gramma.I actually did not truly realize how Frank really was or how much animus he had for me until they moved there. I don't hate Frank, just frustrated that I keep getting told how awful a daughter I was to mom and how great Frank is. Um...she is an awful daughter and I do think highly of my uncle!

Love Frank, fine. But it seemed to me that Chris stopped loving me and took on Frank's animus toward me as well. Here we go again...Chris cannot truly think for herself; she has no ability to discern the truth, always being influenced by someone else. Ironically, she warned my father's lawyer's to not have this very same opinion of me. Interesting how she can forget when I don't agree with her.She accused me of never doing things to help her with the kids, like taking care of them for days at a time - it was like she had complete amnesia for the many trips I made out there every year. Woa! I don't think I ever SAID that! The last few trips she has made out have evolved solely around what SHE had to do, and not about the kids. But, I haven't even had such a conversation with her.

Perhaps Chris is the one who has to decide if she can love Frank and still be close to me and not shut me out of her life like she did before. Perhaps I could if I wasn't always asked to chose sides!

As I said, the ball is in her court. I can't e-mail her, she has turned that off. he he he!I can't write her as I know she won't read it. You said I dare not speak to her directly. Exactly what are you expecting me to do?

I apologized and tried at first to make it up to her, but she would not listen and cut me off.
I could not do anything about it! catherine She never did actually apologize...it was more like...an explaination of why she turned us in to the state. Some apology!

first email...

Brad,
I have felt attacked by Chris and Frank for 2 years now. SHE feels attacked???!!! No one here reported her to the state for abuse and neglect. And then she DEMANDED to be put back on the HPPA forms!!!Did you expect that I could sleep after finding out from a newspaper obituary and not Chris or you that my mother was to be buried here and that I was even denied the opportunity to send flowers to her memorial? When Frank phoned to let them know, he waited for Dick to ask, but all Dick did was hang-up. It was clear that no more information was needed. I just found out that she wrote an email to Pastor Mitch wihich stated, "You can at least tell me where she is buried!!" Her behavior has indicated that she wanted NO contact with Mitch-he is not responsible!I am more concerned about how the kids are doing, expecially Sam who is the most sensitive of them, but you didn't mention them. How sad...it's the little guy who has not been doing well, but she doesn't care to know that!

It's all in your perspective. What I see is a young woman who is totally unforgiving, unwilling to believe me, and trust me inspite of what Frank and Mother said, who has deliberately gone out of her way to hurt me as much as she can. If that were not so she would not have cut the children off from me. We never talked to the children about the situation, even when they asked. We never cut the kids off from her--if memeory serves, she hasn't made any attempts. Brad purposely kept these lines open for her to be in contact with the kids. Talk about perspective, let's have the real truth. She hasn't made contact so that she can look like the poor soul without the grandkids...tsk!tsk! The ball was in her court. Am I a totally unforgiving person? NO! But do I believe her? NO! Her ability to twist things around and manipulate conversations to make herself look like the victim has totally turned me away from believing even the slightest drivel that comes from her lips! and yes, she did involve the kids and try to manipulate information out of them--just ask the kids!

I would never have done to my mother what Chris has done to me - and I never did, in spite of what my mother did to me. Perhaps Chris bears some responsibility here. I have felt judged by people, including Chris who know nothing about the history of my relationship with my mother. I have never lied to Chris but have been called a liar by her because of what Frank and MOther have said. Two people who have selective memory about what really happened. Pot calling a kettle black!That is what went on my whole life. Dad would be in drunken rage and go off on me or mom and the next morning Mom and Frank acted as if it never happened. What do you mean, Cathy, nothing happened last night.

The first 17 years of her life she never heard from Frank, but I was there and have been ever since. When you say my daughter doesn't need me - you said volumes - I read doesn't really care, which was obvious when she expected me to come care for mother 6 weeks after major back surgery, she doesn't love me, maybe never did. First off, we never knew about the surgery until after she reemed us about it. Secondly, her mother didn't need CARE, but company!

I have spent the last 2 years in therapy trying to deal with the grief. I was encouraged to tell Chris the truth but just could not, no matter how frustrated I was or hurt I was. I love her and wouldn't want her to be that devastated. Pullleeeze!!! She's been dumping her emotional baggage on me my whole life! There is very little she hasn't told me!If she thinks I have lied to her and that Frank is the poor martyr here there is probably no way we will ever have a relationship again. Her behavior did not indicate grief over loosing my mother but an attempt to hurt me further. I'm sure that sounds egocentric to you, but think about it from my perspective. I'm sure that she is grieving for mother but so am I and I was denied the closure the rest of you have had. Huh? I'm not grieving, but I am grieving? Oh, I forgot...it's all about her!

I'm not dragging you into this, you emailed me. Not only am I grieving for my mother I have been grieving for 2 years. Was I a perfect mother? NO, but then I was much better than I had. Is Chris a perfect mother? I doubt it, but she is better than I was. I spent the first year of this deeply hurt, I still am but now I am just frustrated. It's a shame we could not be there for each other - but like you have said many times she doesn't need me she has Frank.

The next move is in her court. As you said in your email, we never know and if she doesn't get around to it it may be too late. It may be too late to ever be close again. I have made arrangements for other people to see to my elder care and my burial since I will likely outlive Dick. A year ago I might have not been so frustrated. When I saw the condition mother was in the day we were there, I was horrified. Was that love? Again...huh? We tried to get her come earlier, but she refused. I guess Gramma was to look perfect dying! We tried to tell her. She just wouldn't listen. All she wanted was to put Gramma away in a skilled care facility. Gramma got to die at home! That is LOVE!

Walk in my shoes the last two years and I doubt you would feel much different. I know Chris has support there, as you said she has family - I have lost mine and I do believe Frank wanted it that way and Chris went on the attack with him - all when the money stopped coming - they didn't need me any more so why be even courteous or willing to forgive something I had no choice about. Yes, of course, but she forgets to say that she never informed Frank that she stopped payment. He recieved a notice from the PRN company three months later. Then she spends the next few months trying to find out if we still were having the nurses come out!!! What she failed to do is find out whether Gramma could get those services for free. Well, I did my work and those services were covered by the state! We didn't need her money. And by the way, she had enough money to spend a month in Europe!!!!

I have even had extensive evaluation and guess what - I'm not crazy or character disordered. Actually everything was in the normal range except the depression and grief. I'm just a mother who is grieving the loss of her family. They were amazed I was functional at all consdidering my childhood - which includes the abuse Frank dished out, but they described me as extremely high functioning. I went through career counseling because I just couldn't take the pressure of the ministry while grieving such a loss. That is why I came back to MO and to social work. I have been working with young children, addicts and borderlines and doing fine. Scary thought there! But she knows what to say and how to say it. I don't believe for one second she had a REAL evaluation! She played the same game and said the same words 20 years ago, right before BD and I got married! Oh how I remember it well..."Chris, I have all these stressors, that is why I am not responsible. Your father has done this to me!" Same tune, different players! But it is always ME who gets the final shaft! Because I withdraw from the game! Makes me look like a coward, but I know it's survival!

Cait's birthday is coming up. I will send a card with a check in it to your house. If it never gets cashed I will know Chris has intercepted it or Cait doesn't want it and that will be the end.

You won't hear from me again. I'll make sure someone is designated to call Chris when I pass on in 20 years. Catherine Talk about martyr!!!

Big Birthday Week

A big *Birthday Hug*to Firecop on the 26th, Truevaluegrampa on the 27th and Imbecillion on the 28th!

Where has everyone gone????

I am just so lost without my cyber-buddies! Nobody has posted much this week, including me! But it's Sunday already!!! Come on gals! Talk to me!

I feel a report coming on...

In 1723, the Delaware Indians settled Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania as a campsite halfway between the Allegheny and the Susquehanna Rivers. The town is 90 miles northeast of Pittsburgh, at the intersection of Route 36 and Route 119. The Delawares considered groundhogs honorable ancestors. According to the original creation beliefs of the Delaware Indians, their forebears began life as animals in "Mother Earth" and emerged centuries later to hunt and live as men.
The name Punxsutawney comes from the Indian name for the location"ponksad-uteney" which means "the town of the sandflies."The name woodchuck comes from the Indian legend of "Wojak,the groundhog" considered by them to be their ancestral grandfather.
When German settlers arrived in the 1700s, they brought a tradition known as Candlemas Day, which has an early origin in the pagan celebration of Imbolc. It came at the mid-point between the Winter Solstice and the Spring Equinox. Superstition held that if the weather was fair, the second half of Winter would be stormy and cold. For the early Christians in Europe, it was the custom on Candlemas Day for clergy to bless candles and distribute them to the people in the dark of Winter. A lighted candle was placed in each window of the home. The day's weather continued to be important. If the sun came out February 2, halfway between Winter and Spring, it meant six more weeks of wintry weather.
source: stormfax.com

A Classic

I love the movie Groundhog Day! I do believe God gives us all a chance to change...thankfully, we don't have to relive the same day over and over again. But I think the adage "insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results" is clearly emphasized in this movie!

Freaky's Party

This evening we held a grad party for Freakchica! Her friends and family were here and all seemed to have a good time. Congrats to Freaky for drudgin' thru!

I tried...

But I couldn't get Freaky to even wear a T-shirt with them on!!! ;-)

Update on the leg...

Truevalueman saw the doctor today. He is restricted from basically everything he likes to do standing up for a couple of weeks. Stitches look sore, but he says he's fine. 14 stitches on the TOP layer; about 5 on the facia. 6 weeks recovery! I am letting him go to work tomorrow because he is soooo bored.

Scrubbing Away

Darlin's and I have been scrubbing away to make the kitchen nice for Freaky's party!

Special Evening

The Darlin's and I trekked over to Firecop's house this evening. We spent quite a long time cleaning out Gramma's stuff. We found, no lie, 19 pair of black pants. Gramma just kept insisting she didn't have any black pants. Every few months or so, we'd head over to the store and buy yet another pair of black slacks! What I think has happened was her closet was so dark she just couldn't see the pants! And I did go through her closet and arrange things, but I know that old woman would come in right behind me re-arrange the closet!!!
Gramma's room is now cleaned out and we have our "treasures." Later, Firecop and sat outside and chatted. We will be having these talks for some time to come, I believe...lots to resolve. The conversation turned to him going back to Colorado. He really feels like his place is here. I know my cousin misses her Daddy and would love for him to be nearer to her. I told him that she can't have him back!!! (I mean this quite lovingly and not meanly!)
I want him to stay, but the choice is his and God's. Firecop knows I will always be supportive of the choices he needs to make and I will stand by his side, no matter what! I just love my Uncle!

To Momma Bear...

"Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light."
~Helen Keller~

I think this might work for my mom, too!

'Cuz if anyone is a run-away stage...She is!

God adds a twist!

Amen!

What lies beneath...

Perhaps it's because I am just sick to death of the whole "mom-thing," that I decided to do a little investigating of my own. What I found was quite interesting. After searching various personality disorders, I found one that I feel fits my mother to a "T."

It's called:
The Paranoid Personality Disorder

Description:
A pervasive distrust and suspiciousness of others such that their motives are interpreted as malevolent, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by four (or more) of the following:

1. suspects, without sufficient basis, that others are exploiting, harming, or deceiving him or her
2. is preoccupied with unjustified doubts about the loyalty or trustworthiness of friends or associates
3. is reluctant to confide in others because of unwarranted fear that the information will be used maliciously against him or her
4. reads hidden demeaning or threatening meanings into benign remarks or events
5. persistently bears grudges, i.e., is unforgiving of insults, injuries, or slights
6. perceives attacks on his or her character or reputation that are not apparent to others and is quick to react angrily or to counterattack
7. has recurrent suspicions, without justification, regarding fidelity of spouse or sexual partner

Psycho-woman is on the attack!

Truevalueman received an e-mail from my mother. It simply stated: "Brad, I will no longer protect Chris from the truth." Truevalueman immediately answered the e-mail. Basically, he stated that she should measure her decision carefully. He told he I have great support, that we base our relationship with Firecop on who he is today and he reminded her that the reason he hired Firecop was becuase of HER!
Here's the rub. I do not pass on my past onto my children. My pain belongs to me, shared with my husband and mostly, in a therepist's office! Furthermore, is there a purpose in rubbing salt into deep wounds? I am still mourning the loss of my Gramma and my mother wants to hurt me more? How is this love? I am firmly convinced she has gone so far around the bend there is probably no hope of return.
Now, the queston is...what do I do next?

What the Darlin's are addicted to!

I have to admit, I think some of these episodes are funny. Every now and then, I get a little disturbed! I love Brian the dog and Stewie kills me! Here's to the "Family Guy!"

To all the great daddies out there!

It's A Special Day!

Happy Birthday to Truevalueman!

Boo's Recital

Little Boo danced her heart out today! She did a solo tap of "We're in the Money!" She was the BEST soloist of the day! We are so proud of Little Boo!

Note to Zapato. Re: the Gerberas!

Getting back to normal

I f you could call my life "normal!" I planted some more flowers today and got the porch and patio ready for the weekend. It felt good to have the energy to do it. I feel like it has been so long since I have enjoyed the little putzing I do around the house. I am relieved that all the ceremony is over. I am going to start preparing for the interment on Monday. I just need a break from it all. Right now, ashes are on the mantle...she gets a good view of us from there!

Old Woman!

In recent years, I referred to her as "Old Woman!" Not out of disrespect, but out of complete RESPECT for the life she lived. My grandmother was incorrigible, courageous, stubborn, humble, funny and just precious. Her ability to face the next obstacle was inspirational. I miss the way she smells. I miss the twinkle in her eye. I miss her quietly whispering to me, "I love you!" I even miss her pinching me! I used to be so afraid she'd hurt herself and take unnecessary risks...now I know, that was just the way she lived her life! She always landed on her feet. She is safe and sound now in heaven. God I loved that Old Woman!

OOOO, my head hurts!

My head hurts. I didn't sleep well last night and I have spent the whole day preparing a power point for the memorial service tomorrow. It still isn't done, but I have enough to finish in a timely manner in the morning. For now, I am going to kick back and sleep!

How I learned to love coffee

Ever since I can remember, my Gramma drank coffee. When I was just a tot, she would load her coffee with milk and sugar and put it just within my reach. I remember sneaking off with her coffee and drinking it until it was almost all gone. I would leave just enough for her (about one little sip!). I would carefully place the cup back and tip-toe away.
When she'd reach for her coffee, Gramma would exclaim with a twinkle in her eye,"Now where did all my coffee go?"
I would giggle and pretend it wasn't me, but we both knew! So, she'd get up and fill it up again. And the game would go on until basically, I got a tummy-ache!
Gramma made the best coffee in the world!!!!

Pie, pie, me-oh-my!

Only I would come up with such an idea! At her memorial service, we will be eating pie and drinking coffee! My Grandmother LOVED pie! I talked to my cousin, Rita, this evening...she said Aunt Cora did too. Rita thought having pie was a great way to celebrate Gramma's life. Believe it or not...Both Aunt Cora and Gramma loved apple and cherry pie. I will be serving apple, cherry and strawberry pie (sugar and sugar-free)! And coffe-of course!

Where they are...

Every one of Grandma's siblings talked about the apple tree on the farm. Each had special memories of playing on or by or swinging on that tree. The night Gramma died, I kept having visions of the five of them running and playing on the apple tree. Later, Aunt Marion's daughter-in-law told me that Aunt Marion wouldn't go to heaven until she saw that tree! I have had goosebumps ever since. I truly believe Gramma's siblings eased her transition by playing by the apple tree!

Jon's Tribute

Don't cry. Celebrate!
I want to tell you about the most fascinating woman I ever met. Elizabeth Ketter. When I first met her I was too young to remember. I can bet she was happy to see me enter the world.As I got older (by older I mean 2-3), I have flashes of memories of her. A sweet lady coming to visit us on Poplar Street in Denver. A lovely lady with a warm smile. That’s about it. Like I said flashes. To read more, click here.

Now, so much for grieving!

Forget the fact that we have lost a loved one...we have papers to fill out and forms to be completed. Not to mention, the bill to be paid! Our society has made death into a beaurocracy! And that to me, just absolutely SUCKS!

"I have you etched in the palm of my hand..."

Isaiah 49...these words are so comforting to me. Gramma died at 11:30 p.m. on June 10th. Exactly 5 years to the day when she first arrived here in Pennsylvania. Evidence of Spirit must be experienced first hand. When I arrived at her home, her Spirit was gone...and I have never seen an empty human before! Her Spirit was a force! Wow! I loved her so much...and now she is playing under the apple tree with her siblings. Before she died, her sister Marion had said when she sees the swing on the apple tree, she'll go...the 5 of them loved their childhood. Now they are all together and having fun! I keep having visions of the girls in white dresses and huge bows on their hair, black boots on running around the tree and pushing the swing and climbing up into the tree. Gramma is letting me know, she is finally at peace!

Truevalueman's Done!

Ever so patient and happy while others are around, Truevalueman saves his grumpiness for me! Dance rehearsal has been running quite late, due to mostly technical difficulties. Hehad to stay tonight while I came home and got Graciegurl's room ready! Truevalueman was NOT a happy camper when he arrived home at 1:00 a.m.!

Get a taste of what's comin' this weekend!

Could she get any crasser?

NEW YORK Jun 7, 2006 (AP)— The group of outspoken 9/11 widows who pushed for the commission to investigate the attacks are "self-obsessed" and act "as if the terrorist attacks happened only to them," conservative author Ann Coulter charges in her new book.
To read what this Nazi Bitch said, click on the Nazi Bitch's head!

It still hasn't stopped!

We were watching this incredible film today. Darlin' Daughter has been so enlightened by the plight of the people in Rwanda. But the genocide continues in Darfur. Click here to read about what is truly going on over in Africa!

First day home...

What is it about kids and adjusting to summer vacation? I feel like chocking someone!!! They want friends sleeping over and they certainly don't want to do anything like CHORES! Ugh! I hate the first few weeks of summer vacation!

Houdini Lives!

Gramma with her nieces and nephew.
Grandma has been trying to "get up." She wiggles her butt down and tries to get her legs out through the bed rails. In a way, it's kind of funny; but it can be quite dangerous for her. This evening, I had to actually yell at her. She almost swatted me until she realized it was me. But she was quite angry with me. I gave her medicine and i had hoped it would settled her down, but she was determined! I swear if she doesn't stop, we're going to have to tie her down! ( Then she'll be REALLY angry!)

Woo Hoo!

Last Day of School!

Talk about perserverence!

Taking the leap, Pocaroja and Katemonster are learning to fly....click on the door to see more!

Really Neat Article!

The White House Without a Filter
By ELISABETH BUMILLER
Published: June 4, 2006
WASHINGTON
MY first day on the White House beat was Sept. 10, 2001. By Sept. 14, I was on Air Force One with fighter jet escorts, heading to New York, where we descended into the smoking ruins of the World Trade Center and the beginning of one of the most tumultuous periods in American history.
To read entire article, click on the picture!

Recital Saturday!!

Saturday evening, the Hittie Darlings will be dancing at the Pullo Center for Performing Arts at Penn State York.

Big Changes!

Our studio is undergoing some big changes. Miss Martha, our favorite modern teacher has decided to purchase the Baltimore studio. This means she will no longer be teaching the girls. And tonight, Amber Zecker, the BEST ballet teacher they've ever had, announced her resignation as well. The kids are pretty upset...change can be soooo hard.

Tech rehearsal has begun!

It's "tech-time" for the Hittie clan! We will be spending most of our evenings rehearsing for the dance recital. There is a lot of tears and frustration-all those elements moms and dads hate. But the end result is usually spectacular and the kids all seem to enjoy the performances.

No Boston, But Beauty

Well, perhaps it's more "scholarship." Due to a paperwork mistake, Darlin' Daughter is not going to be in the intership program at BU. We all took it pretty hard here in the kitchen! But, as God would have it, her pageant information packet arrived today. Her spirits were lifted and she seemed to feel a little better.

Glen Rock Fireworks

Tonight in Glen Rock, they are setting off fireworks. Today was the annual street fair!